I began my Weight Watchers journey (this time) on November 20, 2013. The goal I set for myself from Day One was to attend every meeting regardless of what I thought the scales might reflect. 2 years and 4 months later... I can proudly confess (even though I now drive an 86 mile round trip to attend) that I have missed only 2 meetings in that entire period. The first meeting was missed just after Thanksgiving, 2014 when I was invited to be part of a drawing at a casino in the state. I had a 1 in 10 chance to win a huge big-screen flat TV. I REALLY debated on whether or not to skip the meeting that night because the meetings are that important to me. However, I decided that a 1 in 10 chance for a $4,000+ prize was worth skipping JUST ONE TIME. I did not win the TV but I did win $650 cash and Bedlum tickets (which I sold for $150) and used the $800 to get my house taxes paid. So, I believe I made the right decision.
The second meeting was missed this year, January 11th. The reason for missing this meeting was entirely different. Before I explain, let me go back a bit.
In August, 2015... a boyfriend who I had dated for over 9 years (off and on and off and on again and again and again) moved from Texas to my home in Oklahoma. I was a bit shocked that he actually moved here after such a long time. I was shocked but pretty happy...at first. Up to this point, I had already lost over 62 pounds and was feeling focused and very good about myself. I was rekindling relationships with family members and enjoying the growth of 2 new business I had started earlier in the year. I really was ON TOP THE WORLD. Unfortunately, that feeling left me as it was not long after his arrival that we had our first violent encounter.
It began one morning (about 2 weeks after his arrival) with a beating which left painful welts and bruises all over my back. (I still question why I didn't send him away that day). He stayed from August through January... and in those 5 months, I was subjected to weekly (or sometimes daily) physical assaults. Of course, the verbal assaults were more often. The marks were always on my back, my legs, my bottom, my shoulders and arms... all hidden places but the sadness on my face, I believed, left a visible record of my suffering. I did manage to lose approximately 20 more pounds but I was definitely struggling to hold to my routine, keep binges to a minimum, and find time for goal setting and self-reflection.
Then, one night in early January, there was a loud argument which quickly escalated to violence and I was punched directly in the face by him. My cheek and jaw immediately swelled and the blood began to pool under my skin.
This happend on a Wednesday night. I missed work on Thursday. I missed a planned visit with my son (who I hadn't seen in over a year) on Friday. I hid away over the weekend and developed a plausible story about a fall so that I could explain away the bruises and account for my absence. But after a day of running errands and completing only the most pressing tasks, I came back home to the isolation of the house and to the company of he who had hurt me and allowed my shame to cause me to skip my 2nd meeting.
He left on January 21st, my 51st birthday... and I was immediately (yet temporarily) relieved. Although it had been 10 days since the final assault, my bruises had only slightly faded. But, I felt free for the first time in months! I felt like I had my life back. However, it wasn't long at all before I began binging on a more regular basis. Every time I remembered the pain, I ate. And I remembered the pain multiple times a day. I was just eat, and try not to "feel" and I'd feel lost, and I'd eat, and I'd try harder not to "feel".
And I began to gain weight.
I've gained just under 10 lbs since he left. I think I've been punishing myself for having made the choices that kept me in the chaotic relationship with him for so many years. And I would find myself feeling sorry for him and angry at myself for not being what he needed and frustrating him to the point he had to hit me. In my head, I think I made excuses and assumptions for why he would hate me enough to put his hands on me and that he would handle me the way he did. And I'd eat, and hope I would no longer "feel".
So, nearly 2 months later... my weight is up and my ability to succeed in this journey is really being questioned (by the damaged and frightened part of me). I keep opening the door to feelings of shame and of defeat. The "secret" I've carried all these months makes me feel like a fraud to everyone who believes I'm so "strong and determined". But I need spit the poison out. So, I've chosen to rid myself of the secret and of it's destructive power by telling you, my fellow Weight Watchers Warriors, that this happened to me. And, it did set me back and it has certainly distracted me .... but, it will not destroy me! I am worth working on. I'm deserving of success. I, with all my flaws, am still worthy of treating myself with kindness and seeing myself to the finish line.
I am human. And "real life" happens. And sometimes it shakes up your world and sets you back to a place you thought you had left forever. I've not (in the 2+ years I've been at this) been perfect at this WW plan for even 3 days in a row, yet I still have shed over 80 pounds! And I FIGHT hard for the power to not give up on myself!
If there is one bit of wisdom I can share with someone else ... I would say, "Persist. Be tenacious. Be hyper-aware of the non-scale victories (sometimes they are your only compass). Stay connected with the group.... or at least just one person you can be candid with. And, most importantly, be forgiving toward yourself." Forgiveness is absolutely essential for growth and for forward movement. Without it, I don't know where the courage to continue would come from.
This is the first post of (what I'm sure will be) many, as I work through the pain of domestic violence and the loss of a relationship I had put so much of myself into. I am afraid that I may give up if I don't have a forum to share the truth of how hard this journey is for me at times. And, I'm afraid YOU may quit too if you feel isolated and alone in the midst of trials. These are the reasons why I have chosen to publicly share this intimate and personal story. You are not alone. You can believe that there is SOMEONE who is, has been, or will be, where you are when this road gets hard to travel.
I struggle DAILY. But, persistence trumps perfection! Of THAT, I am absolutely convinced!
